last night on late night
May 13, 2021

"Today, House Republicans voted to kick Liz Cheney out of her leadership role," Jimmy Fallon said on Wednesday's Tonight Show. "Man, Republicans haven't turned on someone this fast since they tried to murder Mike Pence. You could tell Dick Cheney was upset when he offered to take House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy on a hunting trip to 'talk it over.'"

"I'm confused, I thought these guys hated 'cancel culture,'" Jimmy Kimmel said on Kimmel Live. Cheney "said today she'll do everything she can 'to ensure that the former president never again gets anywhere near the Oval Office.' You know she's used to this. Her dad was a Dick, too."

"Remember, she said she'll do 'everything' — and she's a Cheney!" Stephen Colbert said at The Late Show. "Her principle political patron is a man who was compared to Darth Vader — and took it as a compliment. She learned Washington infighting from a man who lived a year with no heartbeat. If I was Kevin McCarthy, I'd grow a beard and dig a spider hole."

Instead, McCarthy and other House Republicans played the victim, Colbert said. "Railing against 'cancel culture' right before you cancel someone for holding a different opinion is like shooting a 'Just Say No' commercial then celebrating by doing a line of coke off of Nancy Reagan's a--."

Republicans are "like Dorothy at the end of Wizard of Oz: It turns out the cancel culture you were looking for was right there inside you all along," Late Night's Seth Meyer joked. "Liz Cheney is among the very last people in the world I want to side with," but "this is not about heralding her as a hero, because she isn't one. It's about the GOP's hard turn against Democracy. She's being punished for pointing out that Trump lost and that his claim that he won is a big lie."

"I respect Liz Cheney taking a stand against Trump, but it does feel a little less threatening when she's doing it as she's being removed from power," Trevor Noah said at The Daily Show. "It's got the vibe of a villain falling into a volcano while saying 'This isn't over....!'" It's over, and to show where the GOP is headed, Noah profiled Cheney's replacement, Rep. Elise Stefanik (R-N.Y.). "Stefanik surrendered her principles, her dignity, and even her voice to Donald Trump," he said. And honestly, "it seems like it was kind of worth it." Peter Weber

May 12, 2021

"Today, President Biden met with six state governors to discuss ways that they can get more Americans vaccinated," Jimmy Fallon said on Tuesday's Tonight Show. "They spent about 15 minutes coming up with ideas and three hours talking about if Bennifer is back." The Biden administration "is teaming up with McDonald's to raise vaccine awareness, so get ready for the all new McDerna," he joked. "You know we're living through historic times when McDonald's is giving public health advice."

"Meanwhile, over in Italy, a nurse accidentally gave a woman six doses of the Pfizer vaccine in one shot," Fallon said. "I'm 99 percent sure this is how every Marvel movie starts."

The six-dose vaccine shot "was all part of Olive Garden's famous promotion, unlimited needle sticks!" Stephen Colbert said at The Late Show. "There are so many hopeful signs, at long last, that America may be emerging from the pandemic," including that "more than 58 percent of U.S. adults have received at least one shot," kids 12-15 will soon be eligible for the Pfizer vaccine, "and Bennifer is back! Nature is healing."

New York City will start vaccinating people at subway stops, and Biden announced Tuesday that Uber and Lyft will drive people to and from vaccination appointments for free, Colbert noted. "This is great for patients and even greater for any Uber drivers who have thought, 'I love working during the pandemic but I just wish there was a way to make sure that 100 percent of my passengers were unvaccinated.'"

The Late Show also found a cure for another contagious disease, "Foxitis."

Vaccination drives are "just what the subway needs: More random band-aids and needles on the ground," Jimmy Kimmel said on Kimmel Live. New York City is also incentivizing vaccinations with "free food, free tickets to events, and the opportunity for one lucky vaccinee to to be starting quarterback for the New York Jets this season."

"Here in California, Caitlyn Jenner's learning that running for governor isn't exactly like running in the Olympics," Kimmel said. "She is polling at 6 percent in our upcoming recall election, well behind two other Republicans. You know who those other Republicans are who are ahead of Caitlyn Jenner? No, no one does, no one has any idea, because none of them were on the E! network." He ended with a surprise for the menthol soap guy who went viral on TikTok. Watch below. Peter Weber

May 11, 2021

There's a "scandal in horse racing," after "Medina Spirit, the horse that won last weekend's Kentucky Derby, tested positive for steroids after the race," Jimmy Fallon said on Monday's Tonight Show. "I think the real giveaway was when he ran the race on two legs." Even worse for the horse, "a photo just surfaced of him partying with Jeffrey Epstein," he joked. "Even former President Trump weighed in. He released a statement, writing, 'So now even our Kentucky Derby winner, Medina Spirit, is a junky.'"

Late Night's Seth Meyers found Trump calling a horse a "junky" legitimately hilarious.

"I still can't believe this guy was president," Trevor Noah laughed at The Daily Show. "This man is a legend. What other ex-president spends their time roasting horses? It is weird, though, to put this on the horse, right? I mean, it's not like the horse wants to take drugs — or train all day or race around a track getting slapped on the ass." Still, if given a choice, "the horse would definitely take the drugs," he explained, pointing to the alternative: glue.

Honestly, if "our Kentucky-fried former president" is "gonna start picking fights with horses, we should let him back on Twitter, because I want to see that," Jimmy Kimmel said on Kimmel Live. The horse's trainer, Bob Baffert, claims he doesn't know how the steroids got inside his horse, but he's sure it's the fault of "cancel culture," he laughed. "It's horse racism, is what it is!"

"Baffert came out strong and denied that the horse had ever been treated with the drug — and the horse claimed it was just holding it for a friend," Stephen Colbert joked on The Late Show. But Baffert's right, he deadpanned, "this is an injustice to the inbred creature he forces to run in a circle while being whipped for the pleasure of drunk humans screaming 'Go faster, go faster, or Brenda will leave me this time!' Baffert then got up on his extremely high and expensive horse and pointed the finger at the true culprit, wokeness."

"That's right, he's blaming 'cancel culture,'" Conan O'Brien said on Conan. "We thought, we have to get to the bottom of this, so we decided to talk with the horse's trainer himself," a fake Baffert with real zingers.

The Late Show, meanwhile, interviewed the juiced-up horse. Peter Weber

May 7, 2021

"The CDC just announced that they expect to see a sharp decline in COVID cases in the U.S. by July," Jimmy Fallon said on Thursday's Tonight Show. "So get ready for Etsy's newest item, bikinis made from recycled masks."

Meanwhile in Washington, "House Republicans want to kick Liz Cheney off of their leadership team because she refuses to side with Trump and say the election was stolen," Fallon said. "You could tell Republicans also upset Dick Cheney, because they were like, 'We should totally ditch Liz, she's such a....'" — and here he made a Darth Vader joke.

"I've got to give props to Liz Cheney for risking her political career to stand up for what she believes in," Trevor Noah said at The Daily Show. But "loyalty to Trump is a defining principle of the GOP right now, and if she doesn't agree with that, it doesn't make much sense for her to be one of the party's leaders." Most Republicans say they believe President Biden did steal the election, "and even now, there are still efforts going on to overturn the results in close states, including a big one in Arizona," he said. "And if you're wondering how a bunch of conspiracy nuts are going to turn a Biden win into a Trump win, the answer is, in the craziest way possible."

"The GOP is now so committed to the deranged lie that Trump actually won the election," they're punishing Liz Cheney "simply for living in reality," Late Night's Seth Meyers sighed Wednesday night. "You think I want to side with Liz Cheney? For one thing, she's never met a war she didn't support, and I'm afraid that if I'm too nice to her, her dad will invite me hunting and shoot me in the face. But this isn't about Liz Cheney.... it's about why she's being punished."

Jimmy Kimmel skipped Liz Cheney for Caitlyn Jenner, who sat down with Sean Hannity to discuss her gubernatorial bid. "This is how well Caitlyn Jenner understands the plight of everyday Californians here in L.A.," he said on Kimmel Live. "She mentions this airplane she flies, multiple times. They had this town hall in her own airplane hangar," the setting for an anecdote about rich friends fleeing in private jets to avoid seeing homeless people. "Is it transphobic to call a trans person an ignorant a-hole?" he pondered. Peter Weber

May 6, 2021

"Earlier today, Facebook ruled to uphold former President Trump's suspension," Jimmy Fallon said on Wednesday's Late Show. "So if you want to see crazy conspiracy theories, you'll have to settle for any other person on Facebook." That's right, "no Facebook for Trump," he said. "On the bright side, he still has a good excuse for forgetting his kids' birthdays."

Still, "this has to be driving him nuts — if Trump runs for president again, he's gonna have to go door to door, talking to voters like a Jehovah's Witness or something," Jimmy Kimmel joked on Kimmel Live. "Trump has been banned from Facebook since Jan. 7. His punishment for trying to overthrow the government is the same punishment you give a teenager for coming home late after curfew."

"Trump is like a bullhorn without batteries right now, but he's trying to change that," Kimmel said. "Finally he can speak freely and safely with himself on his new website. I'm not 100 percent sure, but I think he just started a blog."

"Hold up — this dude has been saying for months that he's gonna create a whole new social media platform to rival Twitter and Facebook, and he just ended up making a blog?" Trevor Noah said at The Daily Show. "I get it, Trump had to do something to distract from the fact that he lost his appeal to get back on Facebook — or as he put it, 'We won this appeal in a landslide, everyone knows it!'"

"Look I get why Facebook extended Trump's suspension, but you have to admit, it does seem pretty unfair to ban him from a website that began as a way to rate women's looks," Noah said. "And just as a side note, it's crazy that Facebook even has a supreme court to make these decisions. What's even crazier is Mitch McConnell has already appointed four of its justices."

"Being on Facebook's oversight board, that's got to be a cushy job, hasn't it?" James Corden mused at The Late Late Show. "You've banned Trump and you've done absolutely nothing else ever to make Facebook better." Trump's new site is "called 'From the Desk of Donald J. Trump,' and it's a blog," Corden affirmed. "Trump's jotting down some thoughts when they come to him, so let's be honest about what this whole thing should really be called: 'From the Bathroom of Donald J. Trump.'" Peter Weber

May 5, 2021

"The Jimmy Carter Library just released this photo of the Bidens visiting the Carters last week," and "it looks like a second-grader made a presidential diorama," Jimmy Fallon said on Tuesday's Tonight Show, filmed before an audience of teachers for Teacher Appreciation Day. "I learned two things from the photo: the the two families are very close, and Biden is the size of Jason Momoa." He shared a second photo of Biden and Carter, this one inspired by The Lion King.

Fallon also touched on the Bill and Melinda Gates divorce news: "You know Melinda Gates is thinking, 'Finally, I can use a MacBook!' I think they both deserve their privacy, but if ABC wants to make Bill the next Bachelor, I'm all in."

Bill and Melinda Gates "have a combined estimated worth of at least $134 billion," Jimmy Kimmel said on Kimmel Live. "When you're that rich, why do you even need to get divorced? Can't they just live in separate wings?" He poked fun at "Old Bazooka Joe" Biden for mangling the URL of vaccines.gov, calling it dot-gum, and he celebrated May the 4th by trotting out a Star Wars Day-Cinco de Mayo mashup character named "Chewbaccamole" and a lost character from Empire Strikes Back.

The Tonight Show's Tariq Trotter rapped to the Star Wars theme.

The Daily Show's Trevor Noah was fascinated by that Bidens-Carters snapshot. It's nice to see them "together and smiling and everything, it's just what the f--k is going on in this photo?" he asked. "Why do the Bidens look five times bigger than the Carters? Is there some dollhouse filter that I didn't know about? Because I've been staring at this thing the whole day and I still can't figure out what's going on." Seriously, he added, "this is the weirdest picture of a president since — well, any picture of Donald Trump. But I'm not hating, please don't get me wrong. I think it is great to see presidents of different generations coming together to make me think that I'm on shrooms."

Expanding vaccinations to people 12 to 15 "is gonna be a huge step forward for kids who are sick of Zoom class," Noah said, "and want to get back to being sick of actual class."

Late Night's Seth Meyers offered some other things he'd like to keep from pandemic life — though Zoom school was not among them. Peter Weber

May 4, 2021

"Here's something positive to kick things off: A new poll shows that almost two-thirds of Americans are feeling optimistic after President Biden's first 100 days in office," Jimmy Fallon said on Monday's Tonight Show. "Of course we're feeling good — we've got vaccines in our arms, stimulus checks in our pockets, and hot sauce on our Goldfish." The last time "we were close to being this optimistic was 2006," he said, "when Tom Hanks brought back the mullet."

Verizon's $5 billion sale of Yahoo and AOL "is already being called the most successful tech sale of 1999," Fallon joked. "I didn't even know Verizon owned Yahoo and AOL. That's like finding out Apple owns RadioShack. ... It was telling when they emailed the news to the heads of Yahoo and AOL and they both had Gmail addresses."

The Daily Show's Trevor Noah followed Fallon's "You've Got Mail" joke with a Norton Antivirus analogy for America's projected herd immunity failure. "Thanks to the many people who refuse to take a lifesaving vaccine, experts now think that coronavirus is basically going to become one of those antivirus popups — you know, we're gonna minimize it, but we'll never really delete it," he said. "In these divided times, it's just great to see all Americans coming together to fail at something so easily achievable."

That poll showing "a new sense of optimism" in America was also "conducted before we found out Elon Musk is hosting Saturday Night Live, so we'll see if it holds up," Jimmy Kimmel said on Kimmel Live. Condom sales are up, and in Las Vegas, "gamblers are vaccinated and ready to lose their whole stimulus checks," he said. "But just up the 15 in Utah, Sen. Mitt Romney had a rough weekend," getting "booed relentlessly by his fellow Republicans."

"I've never seen rude behavior from a group of Mormons before," Kimmel said, but the raspberries for Romney were "music to the ears of one Donald J. Trump," who released a statement cheering Utah Republicans for jeering "stone cold loser" Romney. "Speaking of stone cold losers," he added, Michael Flynn "spoke at a rally of Trump supporters in South Carolina yesterday, and for an ex-military guy who wraps his misdeeds tightly in the flag, he sure did have trouble coming up with the words to the Pledge of Allegiance."

Tooning Out the News found a way to save Romney from the rough GOP crowd. Peter Weber

April 30, 2021

More than 12 million people tuned in to watch President Biden's first address to Congress, and "as soon as the Academy heard, Biden was immediately asked to host next year's Oscars," Jimmy Fallon joked on Thursday's Tonight Show. "And get this, 85 percent of people who watched Biden's speech approved of it. That's amazing. The only other things Americans like that much are Dolly Parton and cheese fries."

A day after Biden's speech, "the nation is still basking in warm afterglow of basic competence — we're all high off that low bar," Stephen Colbert said at The Late Show. But while 85 percent of Americans approved of Biden's speech, "Republicans enjoyed the speech a little less." He singled out Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas), who "went viral last night when, during the speech, he fell asleep. I can relate to Ted Cruz," he said. "Now that Joe's president, I find it much easier to sleep, too. Cruz was roundly mocked online, and Bernie Sanders drew a penis on his forehead."

"President Biden called on Congress last night to create a new agency to develop breakthrough treatments for diseases such as Alzheimer's and cancer — and who knows? Maybe even narcolepsy," Seth Meyer said at Late Night, showing Cruz nap.

Honestly, falling asleep during Biden's speech "was the most relatable thing that Ted Cruz has ever done," Trevor Noah said at The Daily Show. "Because that speech was boring. And when you consider that almost none of Biden's goals are actually gonna get past Congress, I mean we basically just listened to an old man talk for an hour about his dreams."

"An amazing thing happened after the speech: Every Black Republican senator got together to let the American people know the Republican Party isn't racist," Jimmy Kimmel said at Kimmel Live. That lone senator, Tim Scott (R-S.C.), "accused Democrats, in his rebuttal, of using race as a weapon — when the truth is, we're more concerned about people using weapons as a weapon," he said.

"Joe Biden today took a little stroll with the first lady on the way to Marine One, the helicopter, and he stopped and picked up a flower for her," Kimmel said. "I mean, that was like straight out of a Cialis commercial. ... The only thing Trump picked up and gave Melania required a shot of penicillin." Peter Weber

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