Late Night tackles Trump and the coronavirus
October 29, 2020

"This campaign has gone on for an eternity," but there are only six days left until the voting stops, Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday's Late Show. President Trump "is spending his time shoring up states he won in 2016," and one clip from a Michigan rally "getting a lot of attention" involves his "attempt to appeal to suburban women," he said. Yes, "Donald Trump's gonna get your husbands back to work so you can get all your lady chores done — like voting for Joe Biden."

Meanwhile, the coronavirus is spreading everywhere, fast, hitting "500,000 new cases in just the past week," Colbert said. "Clearly, we're a long way from ending the COVID-19 pandemic. On the other hand, yesterday a new White House press released announced that one of Trump's biggest accomplishments is 'ending the COVID-19 pandemic.' Now while that is clearly insane, declaring victory prematurely is a proud Republican tradition."

Colbert also joined the mockery of Kim Kardashian West's private-island birthday party. "I'm just worried they're gonna give rich people who do whatever they want on a private island a bad name," he deadpanned. "See you soon, Richard Branson!"

"I wonder if anyone told [Kardashian] she's allowed to have a party and not post pictures of it," Jimmy Kimmel mused on Kimmel Live. "People really went nuts on this one. They're saying this could potentially derail Kanye's presidential campaign." Meanwhile, "members of Trump's own coronavirus task force are said to be personally offended by a release from the White House yesterday that claimed, among other things, that the president ended the pandemic," he said, adding dryly, "You won't see that on MSDNC."

Trump claiming he ended the COVID-19 pandemic is "like the Tampa Bay Rays listing their biggest accomplishment as '2020 World Series Champions,'" Jimmy Fallon said at The Tonight Show. "Keep in mind, though, the White House 'Science' office is just Eric and Don Jr. wearing Bill Nye Halloween costumes," he added. "I was pretty surprised the find out the Trump White House has a science office. That's like finding out The Bachelorette has a science office."

After at a star-crossed rally in Omaha Tuesday night, "everyone was freezing — Trump supporters were like, 'If only there was some way to keep our faces warm,'" Fallon joked. And when the shuttle buses failed to materialize afterward, "some people were actually treated for hypothermia. That's how bad it's getting for Trump: even his supporters are turning blue." Watch below. Peter Weber

October 27, 2020

"The election is just a week away, but the White House is making news for all the wrong reasons," a COVID-19 outbreak in Vice President Mike Pence's inner circle, Jimmy Kimmel said on Monday's Tonight Show. "Yeah, the only place the coronavirus is 'rounding the corner' is in the halls of the White House." And White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows said the Trump administration is "not going to control the pandemic," he sighed. "They talk about COVID like it's a wild teen on Dr. Phil."

Yes, "Meadows went on CNN to reassure a worried nation that you're on your own," Stephen Colbert said at The Late Show. But while the virus is hitting a third peak nationwide, "the most infectious part of the country is the Trump administration." He laughed at how the White House is keeping the COVID-exposed Pence on the campaign trail by calling him an "essential worker," and explained the administration's proposed COVID-19 vaccine "quid pro ho ho ho" with mall Santas.

"It's interesting how zen Trump's people are about this," Trevor Noah said at The Daily Show. With migrant children, "they're like: 'Zero tolerance! One is too many! We have to deport!' But with a virus that's killing hundreds of thousands of Americans, they're like, 'Look, man, the virus is trying to make a better life in our lungs. Who are we to stop it?'" If you listen to Trump, though, he's just bored of the whole COVID thing. "I can safely say that I've never seen a world leader get bored of a crisis," Noah said. "But hey, shout-out to COVID for helping Trump understand what we've felt for the past five years every time we switch on the TV and heard his name. 'Trump, Trump, Trump, always Trump.'"

Jimmy Kimmel played a supercut of Trump's "COVID, COVD, COVID" rants. "I think I've figured it out: He's jealous of the virus," he said on Kimmel Live. "He's upset that COVID is getting more attention than he is."

"Election Day is eight days away, which means we're just a few short weeks away from the Supreme Court telling us who we elected," Seth Meyers joked, darkly, at Late Night. "At a campaign event in Maine yesterday, President Trump signed a pumpkin. So if someone could write a stimulus bill right above it, that would be great." Watch below. Peter Weber

September 23, 2020

The U.S. enters fall with 200,000 COVID-19 deaths, and despite President Trump's "historic shanking of the coronavirus response, yesterday in Ohio, our pumpkin spice POTUS put a positive spin on things," claiming "it affects virtually nobody," Stephen Colbert said on Tuesday's Late Show. In fact, "the coronavirus has now killed more Americans than the U.S. battle deaths from the last five wars combined," he said, deadpanning to his masked crew and non-existent live audience that "personally, I haven't been affected at all."

"Well, I think he's officially done 'up-playing' the virus," Jimmy Fallon said at The Tonight Show. "Trump said the virus 'affects virtually nobody,' then somebody in the front row sneezed and Trump hit the floor like he dropped his remote. After Trump made that comment, doctors and nurses wanted to respond, but they're currently in the middle of a 4,000-hour shift."

Meanwhile, before Trump has even chosen his Supreme Court nominee, "51 out of 53 Republicans are now on board, while the other two stick out like masks at a MAGA rally," he said. "I still can't believe we're letting Trump make that choice. He's terrible at hiring people. Everyone he's ever hired is either fired, in prison, or in Steve Bannon's case, almost both."

"We are only 42 days away from Donald Trump refusing to accept the results of an election," but he did win "the support of his least-favorite senator, Mitt Romney," for his Supreme Court push, Jimmy Kimmel said on Kimmel Live. "I wonder if the reason why they're doing this — why they're revealing themselves to be utter hypocrites — has occurred to Donald Trump. If Republicans thought he was gonna win, they'd just wait."

"Democrats still held a shred of hope that they could persuade four moderate GOP senators to show some integrity and stick to their principles — and that hope lasted almost a full day and a half," Trevor Noah said at The Daily Show. "Even Mitt Romney — the dad you ask when your other Republican dads say no — is going along with Mitch McConnell's plan." The Pentagon, meanwhile, spent $1 billion earmarked for COVID-19 equipment production on ship and fighter jet parts. "Why does the U.S. need more fighter jets?" he asked. "Coronavirus has killed way more Americans than any terrorist group. I bet right now ISIS is looking at COVID like, 'Damn, I know we said death to America, but you guys are extreme.'" Peter Weber

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